If you visit family and friends this holiday season, you may receive unsolicited feedback and advice. Sometimes people who care and want what’s best for us, provide input we didn’t ask for.
Despite that people are trying to help, unsolicited feedback usually feels like criticism. Underneath the feedback might be the message, “If you were doing this right, I wouldn’t need to give you this advice.” I put unsolicited feedback and advice in the same bucket.
If you find yourself receiving unsolicited advice, you don’t have to smile politely and take it. It’s ok to put an end to unwanted feedback and advice.
Simply smile, tell the person you appreciate them caring enough to give you that advice, and say that you’re not looking for advice on that topic at this time. And then smile again. Smiling softens most messages. Say nothing more. Most people will stop talking. What else is there to say?
This method of acknowledging the person giving unwanted advice is respectful and firm. To pull it off, watch your tone. If you can safely add the words, “you dummy” to anything you say, you have a tone issue. Be genuinely appreciative and enforce boundaries. You’re not the 7/11. You don’t have to be open to feedback and others’ input all the time.
If the person continues giving you advice, simply say the same thing again. “Thank you for caring enough about me to share that with me. I really appreciate your concern. And I’m not looking for advice on that at this time.” If the person keeps talking, just say, “I’m going to get a drink.” Then get up and go get a drink.
If stopping unsolicited feedback feels uncomfortable, prevent it. Tell people before you see them, “I don’t want to talk about _____________ (fill in the blank). Please don’t bring it up over Thanksgiving.” You can soften that request any way you like.
Setting boundaries might be feel uncomfortable. But it’s likely not as uncomfortable as having a conversation you don’t want to have and then feeling like you need to avoid someone for the rest of the evening and possibly year. It’s ok to say, “No, thank you. Please pass the pie.”
Most employees need only a handful of things to be satisfied and productive at work. The key is getting employees to tell you what those things are. And they might just tell you, if you ask.
Effective management involves asking questions during the interview process, after an employee starts, and again 90-days to six months into the job.
I recommend asking the seven questions below. I call the questions, Candor Questions.
Candor Question number one: “What brought you to our organization? Why did you accept this job? What are you hoping the job will provide?” Ask one of these three questions. Pick the one you like best.
Candor Question number two: “What would make you leave this job? What are your career deal breakers, things you just can’t tolerate at work?” Ask either of these questions.
Candor Question number three: “What type of work, skills, and/or areas of our organization do you want to learn more about?”
Candor Question number four: “Tell me about the best manager you ever had. What made them the best manager?” This will tell you what the employee needs from you as a manager and is a much better question than, “What do you need from me as your manager?” That is a hard question to answer. Telling you the best manager they ever had is easy.
Candor Question number five: “Tell me about the worst manager you ever had? What made them the worst manager?”
Candor Question number six: “What are your pet peeves at work? What will frustrate you?” Why find out the hard way what frustrates employees when it’s so easy to ask. This question demonstrates that you want your employees to be happy and that you will flex your own preferences, when possible, to meet employees’ needs.
Candor Question number seven: “How do you feel about being contacted via cell phone or texts outside of business hours? How do you feel about receiving emails during the evenings and weekends? What time is too early? What time is too late?” When boundaries like work hours are violated, it often erodes employees’ loyalty to managers and organizations, and it’s such an easy question to ask.
If you’ve participated in one of our management trainings or received a box of Candor Questions for Managers, you know I could go on. But these seven questions are a good start.
Regardless of age, work, and educational background, employees have a few things in common.
Employees want to:
• Work for someone who takes an interest in and knows them
• Feel valued and appreciated for their contributions
• Be part of and contribute to something greater than themselves
• Feel respected as a person. Managers respect their time, expertise, and needs
Taking the time to get to know employees throughout your working relationship accomplishes many employee needs.
If you have long-time employees, it’s never too late to ask these questions. Regardless of for how long employees have worked for you, they’ll appreciate you asking. Don’t worry that employees will raise an eyebrow and wonder why you’re asking now. They’ll just be happy you’re asking. You can simply say, “I realized that I’ve never overtly asked these questions. I just assume I know. But I don’t want to do that. During our next one-on-one meeting I’d like to ask you these questions and you can ask me anything you’d like.”
If you have a manager who is unlikely to ask these questions, provide the information. Don’t wait to be asked. You’re 100% accountable for your career. Tell your manager, “There are a few things about me I want to share with you. I think this information will help ensure I do great work for the organization for a long time.”
Managers, the better your relationship with your employees and the more you know about what your employees need from you, the organization, and the job, the easier employees are to engage, retain, and manage. Stop guessing and start asking.
You know when someone gives you ‘the tone’, similar to when people roll their eyes at you? When you get ‘the tone’ you’re being told that the other person is exasperated.
Tone of voice is one of the hardest things to coach because we don’t hear ourselves. People who give people ‘the tone’ rarely know they’re doing it.
One of the best ways I know to effectively coach tone of voice is to ask tone givers to record themselves during meetings and calls, then listen to the recording together and ask what they heard and how they would have interpretated the communication had it been directed at them. Finally, ask if their tone would pass The Grandma Test. Ask, “If your grandmother called and someone spoke to her that way, how would you feel?” No one wants to speak unkindly to their grandma. You can also read emails out loud, adding the tone you ‘heard’, and ask the sender how they would have interpreted the message.
When given the tone, most people feel judged. And when people feel judged, conversations are constrained.
The way to avoid giving ‘the tone’ is to come from a place of curiosity. When you ask the question, “What were you thinking when you approached the customer that way,” you can sound curious or judgmental. Being judgmental evokes defensiveness, which shuts conversations down. Being curious creates discussion.
Consider asking questions like these to invite discussion:
“Tell me more about… Help me understand… What are your thoughts about…. What’s the history behind….”
Any of these questions will lead to a good discussion, if you manage your tone.
If you want to get information or influence someone, ask questions and engage the person in a dialogue. We often try to persuade people by giving them information. This rarely works. Instead of overloading people with data, ask questions that evoke discussion. Through discussion, you might get to a different place. And if not, you’ll at least have learned why the other person thinks as they do, and you will have shared your point of view in a way that is inviting versus off-putting.
It’s easy to give people ‘the tone’ when we’re tired and frustrated. Try to avoid difficult conversations when you’re tired or stressed. Wait to have important conversations until you know you can manage yourself and your tone.
Posted under Career Management on September 7, 2025 by Shari Harley. 2 Comments
Every day I’m annoyed that I’m not perfect. I want to be a combination of Mary Poppins, Super Woman, and Kate Middleton, but I’m not. I’m a business owner, working mom, who just yelled at my son, on his birthday, and ate a large piece of birthday cake with a lot of green icing and sprinkles, despite that I “don’t eat sugar”.
Some days are going to be bad. On those bad days, it’s easy to feel like we’re messing things up and that we are indeed a mess. Instead, give yourself a break. The thing to know and remember, in the moment, is that you’re a human being, doing the best you can.
Here is a list of five ways to give yourself a break and as a result, do your best work.
Set realistic deadlines so you’re not constantly running against time, and overestimate how long everything will take to do.
Before agreeing to a new commitment, ask yourself, “Do I really want to do this?” Try not to commit yourself to things you know, at your core, you don’t want to do. You’ll just resent that commitment when it rolls around and aren’t likely to do your best work.
Turn off the alerts on your phone and laptop when you’re working. You’ll be more focused and get more work done.
Take a day off. Your company offers vacation time for a reason. People do better work when they take time to relax and rejuvenate.
Say “thank you” more and “I’m sorry” less. “Thank you for letting me know” is more empowering than “I’m sorry I missed that.” I’m guilty of apologizing for everything, so much so that one of my employees and I play a game that whoever says she’s sorry first has to throw a dollar in a communal collection pot. Whatever you put attention on will improve.
Some of these things are business focused, some are personal. You bring yourself – your whole self – to work. It’s why you’re good at what you do. People want to work with real people. And real people over commit, make mistakes, and spend too much time on social media at 11:30 pm. Give yourself a break.
I’m consistently shocked and embarrassed by what comes out of my mouth when I’m mad. It’s like reason and self-control go out the window. Emotion and the need to be right takes over. Every time I react in the moment, I regret it. Every single time.
Talking with another person when we’re upset, often leads to more upset. Emotions and conversations escalate quickly. The more upset we are, the more likely we are to say things we’ll regret. The time to alter how we work, live, and communicate with someone, is when there is nothing wrong.
If you want something in a relationship to change, pick a time when things are calm and when no one is upset to have a conversation. Tell the other person that you want to talk about how you work together, manage disagreements, make decisions, handle disappointments, etc. Share what you have observed in the past and make requests. Brainstorm solutions together. You’ll have a much better conversation when you’ve had time to calm down from whatever happened that created the need for the conversation.
Waiting to have a conversation until you’re not upset creates the risk of waiting too long to address concerns. The right time to talk about a breakdown is as soon after an event as you can. When both people are calm and have time to have the conversation, usually within a few days of a challenge.
There is no talking to my nine-year-old about why I impose certain limits in the moment. He’s too upset. I need to wait to talk to him about the behavior I want to see when he’s calm. Typically, that’s later the same day. Adults may take a little longer. But this isn’t a pass to wait six weeks, which is what we often do. The conversation won’t be as hard or as bad as you think if you talk when you’re calm and speak from what the relationship needs.
Speaking from what the relationship needs is saying just what you need to, not more and not less, to resolve the challenge and create a better way to handle things in the future. And communicating in a kind and direct way, so the other person can take in what you have to say.
Agree upon better ways of handing challenges, when no one is upset. Speaking directly, calmly, caringly and with the desire to make things work, typically has a positive result.
Last week one of my friends was concerned about something happening at her son’s camp. She wrote out what she planned to say to the camp’s executive director and sent it to me to read. Her letter was long, with lots of unnecessary details. I read five paragraphs before understanding what the situation was even about. I revised her letter. My version was three sentences and easy to write. Why? Because it’s not my child and not my situation.
One of the things that makes giving feedback and making requests particularly difficult, is our emotional involvement. We’re invested in the outcome. The stakes feel high. And that emotion makes everything harder.
If you’re struggling with a message you need to deliver, get some help. The person who helps you craft a succinct, specific, and unemotional message doesn’t have to be a feedback expert or a manager. The person just can’t be involved. As long as the person isn’t emotionally involved, they’ll be helpful.
When you ask for help, don’t ask for advice. Instead of asking a friend or colleague, “What would you do in this situation,” ask, “What would you say?” These are very different questions. You want the specific words to resolve whatever you’re struggling with.
Asking someone for help planning a challenging conversation or message begs the question, isn’t asking for that type of help a form of gossip? It could be. So be careful who you ask.
When asking for help planning a message or conversation, ask someone in your organization who is at your same level or above (title-wise) or ask someone outside of the organization. Change the names of the people involved; protect people’s anonymity. And be clear if you are asking for help to plan a conversation or if you are venting. They are not the same.
The most effective feedback and requests are unemotional, factual, and succinct. Sometimes we need other people who are not involved to help us get there.
When you use GPS in your car for driving directions, the GPS only provides one direction at a time. GPS tells you what to do now and what to do next. Your car can only go one direction at a time. Humans aren’t any different. When you coach people, you are their GPS, supporting them in achieving a desired goal efficiently.
Coach and give feedback like your GPS. Give one or two pieces of feedback at a time. Then give the person time to make changes and improve before giving more feedback.
What I hear every day that makes me shudder:
Manager: “One of my employees has been making a lot of mistakes. He seems disengaged (p.s. “disengaged” is Cap’n Crunch, vague and thus not real feedback). I’m not sure what’s happening.”
Me: “When are performance appraisals?” Manager: “In six weeks.”
Most people hoard feedback. We wait for the right time, aka when we’re comfortable. That time will never come. The right time to give feedback is when something happens or shortly thereafter. Practice the 24-hour guideline and the one-week rule. Wait 24 hours to give feedback if you’re angry, but not longer than a week. Give feedback when you’re not upset, but soon after the event occurs, so people remember what you’re talking about.
Feedback is hard on the ego. The more feedback we receive in one conversation, the harder it is to hear. People need to feel successful. Receiving too much feedback at one time makes us feel we can’t be successful, so why bother. Pick the biggest and most impactful behaviors. Wait. And then give more feedback.
When it comes to feedback, keep this mantra in your head – recency, frequency. Recency, frequency. Short, weekly, feedback conversations – five minutes long – are better than sixty-minute feedback conversation once a month or quarter. You’ll see more behavior change and protect team member’s ego. Shorter and more frequent is better.
Most of the feedback people receive in the workplace isn’t feedback at all, it’s what I fondly refer to as Cap’n Crunch – vague and unhelpful words that put people on the defensive but don’t change behavior. If you want people to do something differently, give specific feedback.
Most of the fake Cap’n Crunchfeedback people get sounds like this:
“You did a great job on that.”
“You’re doing really good work.”
“You’re dressing inappropriately.”
“You’re difficult to work with.”
None of this is feedback. It’s all Cap’n Crunch. Vague, vague, and more vague.
The first words out of your mouth will invariably be Cap’n Crunch. Follow those words with, “for example” and you’ll be headed in the right direction.
“You did a great job on that. For example, I never had to ask about the status of the project. You gave me an update every Friday, and that made me feel comfortable that we were on track.”
“You dressed inappropriately for that meeting. For example, the client was dressed in business casual; you wore jeans and a t-shirt. Next time, please dress as the client dresses or a step above in khaki pants or slacks and a jacket.”
Most people are afraid to give feedback because they don’t want to deal with the defensive reaction they anticipate. The more vague you are, the more defensive people will be, because they don’t know what you’re talking about and they feel judged. Vague feedback is subjective. Subjective is judgmental. Feeling judged puts people on the defensive.
If employees shop your feedback around, asking what others think of the feedback you provided, it’s because you were vague, they disagree with you, or they’re being defensive. Feedback will be received better and resisted less if you’re specific.
Specific feedback can be captured on video. Meaning, you can video someone calling into a meeting late, rolling their eyes, and texting on their phone. I dare you to video “you were disrespectful in the meeting, you dressed inappropriately, or you’re difficult to work with.” If you can’t capture the feedback on video, you don’t yet have specific feedback. You have Cap’n Crunch.
When I teach managers to give feedback I ask the managers to, “Describe the situation to me. What did the person do?” Managers often reply with, “They were negative.” This is Cap’n Crunch. So, I keep asking questions. “What did they do that was negative? What did it look like?” After two or three questions the manager tells me, “I overheard them complaining to other employees about the decisions the company is making. I’d rather they ask me questions about the direction we’re going versus gossip to peers.” Now we have specific feedback.
Wait to give feedback until you have a specific example. If you don’t have a specific example, go get one. Without an example, employees will look at you in a confused way, question the validity of what you’re saying, and become defensive. And they’ll be justified in doing all of these things.
Most of us dread giving feedback because we don’t want to deal with people’s defensive responses. If you want more help, chapters nine through twelve of How to Say Anything to Anyone provide a clear and easy-to-follow formula for giving specific feedback.
Remember, if you’re not using the words “for example” you’re not giving specific feedback.
We have all worked hard on a project, only to find out that what we created was not what our manager was expecting. When this happens, everyone is frustrated. Managers question whether or not employees listen. Employees wonder why managers weren’t clearer about what they wanted at the beginning.
Giving negative feedback is hard. Asking for what you want will always be easier. Managers would be well served by setting clear expectations at the beginning of working relationships and projects. Tell your employees what a good job looks like. Don’t make them guess.
If you want a weekly status update, tell employees that rather than being frustrated when you don’t know where projects stand. If you want a bulleted summary, tell people that rather than being annoyed when five paragraphs land in your inbox. If you envision a report with tables and charts, tell employees that versus being disappointed when they create a bulleted list. Setting clear expectations applies to all internal and external working relationships – up, down, and lateral.
Most of us assume people will do things the way we do. They won’t. Save time and reduce frustration by being crystal clear when you set expectations at the beginning of anything new.
When people see the title of my book How to Say Anything to Anyone, they think it’s a book about giving feedback and having difficult conversations. It’s not. How to Say Anything to Anyone is about asking more questions, so you know what your direct supervisor, coworkers, and customers need and don’t have to guess. How to Say Anything to Anyone is not about giving people bad news. It is about asking for what you want before challenges occur and then talking about how you’ll deal with challenges when they arise.
If you work for or with someone who does not set expectations that are clear, then you, the employee, needs to set those expectations.
Set expectations by asking your manager and coworkers:
• When do you want to see this, in what format, with how much detail?
• What does a good job look like?
• What’s your expectation of how this should look when it’s complete?
• Where does this fit, as a priority, in relation to other projects?
• How does this project fit into the department’s or organization’s goals?
Asking questions and telling people what you want is always easier than giving negative feedback. Everyone – employees and managers alike – are accountable for ensuring that expectations are clear and that work is done right the first time Ask more. Assume less.
Download the five questions managers must ask their employees to set expectations that are clear:
Most of the feedback we give and receive puts people on the defensive. We don’t do this intentionally. It just happens. We say how we feel, usually when we’re upset, and the other person responds.
Most of the feedback we give and receive is judgy, like the examples below.
Judgy – Not Real Feedback
Just the Facts – Actual Feedback
“You ignore me in meetings.”
“When I raise my hand to participate in meetings, you don’t call on me.”
“You’re rude to me.”
“When you pass me in the hallway, you don’t say hello.”
“You won’t work with me. You go around me.”
“We were supposed to screen potential vendors together. You scheduled and held the appointments without me.”
“You’re not responsive.”
“You usually reply to emails a week after they were sent.”
“It’s hard to get time on your calendar.”
“It takes three weeks to schedule time to meet with you.”
Becoming defensive when receiving feedback is a hard-wired response, like slamming on your brakes when the car in front of your does the same. The more people feel judged, the more defensive they become. If you want to be sure people become defensive when you give feedback, be vague. If you want people to be able to hear you and take action on your feedback, strip out the opinion (judgment) and give people just the facts.
Referring to the chart above, the sentences on the left are opinions. And opinions can be debated. The sentences on the right are facts. Facts are harder to debate. When giving feedback give just the facts, not your opinion. This will take practice.
The first thing out of our mouths will invariably be judgment/opinion. People who have participated in feedback training with me or who have read How to Say Anything to Anyone know I call the tendency to be vague Cap’n Crunch. Cap’n Crunch: “You’re doing a good job.” That’s sweet but useless.
When someone upsets you and you want to tell the person, prepare for the conversation by asking yourself these questions:
What did the person do that frustrated me?
What behaviors did they exhibit?
What actions did they take?
What was the impact on me?
Then practice giving feedback to someone outside of your workplace to reduce gossip and drama and ask the person with whom you’re practicing what they heard. If your feedback is specific and clear, any lay person will interpret the feedback as you intended it.
Giving feedback, that others can hear, isn’t easy to do. It requires you to put your emotions aside, strip out judgments and opinions, and tell the other person the facts of what happened. The more you focus on the facts and less on how you feel about what happened, the better your conversations and relationships will go.
