Ask for What You Want – A Subtle Way to Give Feedback

It’s easier to be direct with people when you have a trusting relationship and when the person is receptive, but what happens when you don’t have a trusting relationship and when the person is not open to feedback? What do you say then? 

If someone violates your expectations for the first time and you don’t have the relationship to give direct feedback, use the lowest level of intervention necessary. Allow the person to save face, and ask for what you want, without giving an abundance of negative feedback. I call this “ask versus tell.” Here’s an analogy, when you cut your finger while cooking, you put a Band-Aid on your finger. You don’t cut off the finger. This is true with business communication too. Say just enough to get what you want.

Here are a few examples of ask versus tell:

When you’re facilitating a meeting, you can ask the two people who are side talking to stop, or you can go third grade on them and ask, “Is there something you want to share with the rest of us?” Both methods will stop the behavior. But one embarrasses the side talkers a lot, the other only a little.

When your boss doesn’t make time to meet with you, rather than saying, “You don’t make time for me. That makes it hard for me to do my job and makes me feel unimportant.” Instead consider saying, “I know how busy you are. Your input is really important in helping me move forward with projects. How can we find 30 minutes a week to connect so I can get your input and stay on track?”

Likewise, when one of your coworkers takes credit for your work, you can give direct feedback and say, “I noticed you told Mike that you worked on that project, when we both know that you didn’t. Why did you do that?” Or you can skip the accusation and ask for what you want instead, saying, “We both worked on the ABC project. I noticed my name is not on the final report. Will you please add me the document?” 

In each of the situations above, you’d be justified in calling the person out and giving negative feedback. And it might feel good in the moment. But being right doesn’t get you closer to what you want, and it can damage your workplace relationships when you don’t have the relationship to give feedback.

I try “ask versus tell” up to three times, when I don’t have the relationship to give direct feedback or I know the other person isn’t receptive to feedback. If I don’t get what I want on the third try, I get more direct.

Practice good business communication –say as little as you need to, to get what you want. If this method doesn’t work, then escalate, communicate more directly, and give direct feedback. The point is to get what you want, not to make the other person look bad. The better the ‘offender’ feels after the conversation, the more likely you are to get what you want in the future.

Tags: Asking for what you want, candid culture, feedback training, giving feedback at work, giving negative feedback, good business communication, how to ask for what you want, just say it