Talk About Thanksgiving Dinner Now. Don’t Wait.
Thanksgiving is coming up in a few days. You might visit family and friends who care about you and want what’s best for you. Sometimes people, in the spirit of caring, give unsolicited feedback and advice.
Unsolicited feedback at best feels like someone is trying to help, at worst it feels like criticism. Underneath the feedback might be the message, “If you were doing this right, I wouldn’t need to give you this advice.” I put unsolicited feedback and advice in the same bucket.
If you find yourself receiving unsolicited advice, you don’t have to smile politely and take it. It’s ok to put an end to feedback and advice.
Simply smile, tell the person you appreciate them caring enough to give you that advice, and say that you’re not looking for advice on that topic at this time. And then smile again. Smiling softens most messages. Say nothing more. Most people will stop talking.
This method of acknowledging the person talking is respectful and firm. To pull it off, watch your tone. If you can safely add the words, “you dummy” to something you say, you have a tone issue. Be genuinely appreciative and enforce boundaries. You’re not the 7/11. You’re not open for feedback and others’ input all the time.
If the person continues giving you advice, simply say the same thing again. “Thank you for caring enough to share that with me. I really appreciate your concern. I’m not looking for advice at this time.” If the person keeps talking, just say, “I’m going to get a drink.” Then get up and go get a drink.
The time to talk about what everyone needs to feel comfortable at Thanksgiving dinner is now. Don’t wait until Thursday. Consider what you need to feel comfortable and make requests today. Breakdowns are predictable, and what you can predict, you can often prevent.
If stopping unsolicited feedback feels uncomfortable, tell people before you see them, “I don’t want to talk about _____________ (fill in the blank). Please don’t bring it up over Thanksgiving.” You can soften that request any way you like.
Most difficult conversation are preventable, and preventing a difficult conversation is always easier than having one. Setting boundaries might be feel uncomfortable, but it’s likely not as uncomfortable as having a conversation you don’t want to have and then feeling like you need to avoid someone for the rest of the evening and possibly year. It’s ok to say, “No thank you. Now please pass the pie.”
About Shari Harley
Shari Harley is the founder and President of Candid Culture, a Denver-based training firm that is bringing candor back to the workplace, making it easier to give feedback at work. Shari is the author of the business communication book How to Say Anything to Anyone: A Guide to Building Business Relationships that Really Work. She is a keynote speaker at conferences and does training throughout the U.S. Learn more about Shari Harley and Candid Culture’s training programs at www.candidculture.com.
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Tags: candid communication, Happy Thanksgiving, how to manage unsolicited feedback, how to survive thanksgiving, how to survive thanksgiving dinner, Invest in good communication, managing unsolicted feedback
