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Fix Relationships When Nothing Is Wrong

I’m consistently shocked and embarrassed by what comes out of my mouth when I’m mad. It’s like reason and self-control go out the window. Emotion and the need to be right takes over. Every time I react in the moment, I regret it. Every single time.

Talking with another person when we’re upset, often leads to more upset. Emotions and conversations escalate quickly. The more upset we are, the more likely we are to say things we’ll regret. The time to alter how we work, live, and communicate with someone, is when there is nothing wrong.

If you want something in a relationship to change, pick a time when things are calm and when no one is upset to have a conversation. Tell the other person that you want to talk about how you work together, manage disagreements, make decisions, handle disappointments, etc.  Share what you have observed in the past and make requests. Brainstorm solutions together. You’ll have a much better conversation when you’ve had time to calm down from whatever happened to create the need for the conversation.

Waiting to have a conversation until you’re not upset creates the risk of waiting too long to address concerns. The right time to talk about a breakdown is as soon after an event as you can. When both people are calm and have time to have the conversation, usually within a few days of a challenge.

There is no talking to my five-year-old about why I impose certain limits in the moment. He’s too upset. I need to wait to talk to him about why I did what I did and what I want him to do next time when he’s calm. Typically, that’s later the same day. Adults may take a little longer. But this isn’t a pass to wait six weeks, which is what we often do. The conversation won’t be as hard or as bad as you think if you talk when you’re calm and speak from what the relationship needs.

Speaking from what the relationship needs is saying just what you need to, not more and not less, to resolve the challenge and create a better way to handle things in the future. And communicating in a kind and direct way, so the other person can take in what you have to say.

Agree upon better ways of handing challenges when no one is upset. Speaking directly, calmly, caringly and with the desire to make things work, typically has a positive result.

how to fix a relationship

About 

Shari Harley is the founder and President of Candid Culture, a Denver-based training firm that is bringing candor back to the workplace, making it easier to give feedback at work. Shari is the author of the business communication book How to Say Anything to Anyone: A Guide to Building Business Relationships that Really Work. She is a keynote speaker at conferences and does training throughout the U.S. Learn more about Shari Harley and Candid Culture’s training programs at www.candidculture.com.

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2 Responses to “Fix Relationships When Nothing Is Wrong”

  1. Karen says:

    Thank you for another great relationship solution! I know this one but routinely forget how effective it is. Unfortunately, this has rarely worked with my husband. The location and timing have no impact on his defensive and sometimes downright ugly reaction. I’ve tried all the tricks, ‘don’t say you, say we or it’, wait for a calm moment (on the boat, sitting on the porch or more business like at the table’. That brings us to one your other excellent tools, change your expectation. I’ve truly enjoyed learning from you and have put many things into practice. Thank you for improving my work and personal relationships.

  2. Libby Conder says:

    Shari – you are so on point. Trying to talk to a child or an employee in the heat of the moment only brings hurt feeling and adds to more conversation in the future. If employers and employee would talk about expectations BFFORE the crunch time, the workplace would not feel so toxic.

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