Several years ago, a guy I was dating asked, “We don’t really need to do anything for your birthday do we?” I was taken aback by his question (which was really a statement) and replied, “No, we don’t.” But I didn’t mean it. And when he blew off the ‘big day’ I was furious and let him know it. Instead of having dinner on my birthday, we had an ugly conversation and a lousy rest of the week. Asking for what I wanted upfront would have been much less painful.
Why is it so hard to ask for what we want, especially from the people who love us? Learn how to get what you want on your birthday and every day.
We aren’t likely to get what we don’t ask for. The people in our lives can’t read our minds. They don’t know what we want. This is true at home and at work. If you want a report to look a certain way, sketch it out for your employees. If you want a meeting handled in a certain fashion, give detailed instructions. For the most part, we expect things to go well and thus we delegate insufficiently at work and hope to be pleasantly surprised at home.
I hope the people who love you, know you well enough and are intuitive enough to give your heart what it wants on your birthday, and every day. But if they don’t, make it easy for them to please you by telling them what you want. For example, tell the person you love, “I’d love to spend the day together. I don’t care what we do, as long as we’re together.” Or, “I don’t care what you do for my birthday, but please do something to mark the day.” And if you want something specific, ask for it. “I’d love flowers, despite that they’ll die and are impractical. Anything but roses and carnations would be lovely.”
A few years ago, the guy I was dating asked, “We don’t really need to do anything for Valentine’s Day do we?” I was taken aback by his question (which was really a statement) and replied, “No, we don’t.” But I didn’t mean it. And when he blew off the ‘holiday’ I was furious and let him know it. Instead of having dinner on Valentine’s Day, we had an ugly conversation and a lousy rest of the week. Asking for what I wanted upfront would have been much less painful.
Why is it so hard to ask for what we want, especially from the people who love us? Here’s how to get what you want on Valentine’s Day and every day:
We aren’t likely to get what we don’t ask for. The people in our lives can’t read our minds. They don’t know what we want. This is true at home and at work. If you want a report to look a certain way, sketch it out for your employees. If you want a meeting handled in a certain fashion, give detailed instructions. For the most part we expect things to go well and thus we delegate insufficiently at work and hope to be pleasantly surprised at home.
I hope the people who love you, know you well enough and are intuitive enough to give your heart what it wants on Valentine’s Day, and every day. But if they don’t, make it easy for them to please you by telling them what you want. For example, tell the person you love, “I’d love to spend Valentine’s Day together. I don’t care what we do, as long as we’re together.” Or, “I don’t care what you do for Valentine’s Day, but please do something to mark the day.” And if you want something specific, ask for it. “I’d love flowers on Valentine’s Day, despite that they’ll die and are impractical. Anything but roses and carnations would be lovely.”
Sometimes we ask people for feedback when we don’t really want the answer.
• Do I look fat in these pants?
• Do you think ______ (insert name of person you’re dating) is right for me?
• Was I rude to ______ (insert name of person who annoyed you)?
• Did I do a good job on ______ (insert project)?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want answered. If you do ask, don’t get defensive when you get an answer you don’t like.
If you ask for feedback, people may just give it to you. When they do, make it easy on them. So they’re willing to do it again. Don’t get defensive!
Every time we get defensive, we train people not to tell us the truth. And it doesn’t take many instances of dealing with our defensiveness before people learn that telling the truth (as they see it) is just too hard. So they stop. And we continue dating the wrong people, while wearing the wrong pants.
The right answer to feedback is always “thank you”, regardless of what you think of the feedback. It could sound something like, “Wow, that’s really disappointing. Thanks for telling me.”
If you want someone’s opinion, ask for it. And accept whatever they say graciously, regardless of what you actually think. And if you don’t want honest feedback or can’t take it without saying “thank you”, don’t ask.
You may be looking forward to seeing your family this weekend, but may not be looking forward to their inquiries and advice about the status of your life.
Unsolicited feedback is often unwelcome. Most people are more open to hearing another’s point of view when she asked us if she can share it first.
If your family starts to pry or give unsolicited feedback, there are a few things you can do.
Thank them for caring. Then tell them that you’re really trying not to think about ______ (insert topic). And ask if you can talk about something else.
Or…
Thank them for caring, and tell them that you aren’t looking for advice about _____ (insert topic). Again, you appreciate their concern and will come to them for guidance, when that’s what you want.
The people in your life care about you. They want to make a difference. Chances are they are not even aware they’re giving unsolicited advice. Many people give advice so automatically, they don’t even know they’re doing it.
Things not to do:
Don’t apologize for not wanting to talk about a subject or for rejecting unsolicited advice. Unless you’ve been rude or mean spirited in your communication, you have nothing to apologize for.
You could consider trying to prevent unsolicited advice by setting expectations before awkward conversations happen. Tell your family and friends that you are excited to see them, but don’t want to talk about _______ (insert job, spouse, speeding tickets, weight loss, or whatever ails you). Or, tell them that you do want to share what’s happening with (insert situation) but are not looking for advice. Tell your family and friends, if they can resist the temptation to tell you what to do, you’ll be happy to give them an update.
Here are a few sample scripts:
“Thanks so much for being concerned about my career. I really appreciate it. I’m not looking for advice right now, but if I want to talk about it, I’ll let you know. Thanks again for being concerned.”
Yes, you really can say this.
Here’s another one: “Thanks so much for being concerned about me. I know you want me to be happy and only want what’s best for me. I don’t really want to talk about my relationship with Lisa/Bob. But again, I really appreciate your concern.”
Yes, you can really say that too.
If you want more sample language, there are many more examples in my new book. And in honor of unsolicited advice week (a.k.a. Thanksgiving), we’re having a buy one-get-one free special. Maybe your mom will read the book!!
You may be concerned that speaking up will damage the relationship and decide it’s easier to say nothing. But the relationship is damaged anyway. When we avoid people or are afraid to say what we really think, our relationships need work. So why not speak up, make a request, and see if things get better?
If you have a tendency to give unsolicited advice, catch yourself. Try this instead, “I’ve been thinking about your desire to break into a new field work wise. I have a couple of ideas. Do you want to talk about it?”
Or, “I’ve been thinking about your relationship with Joe/Suzanne. You mentioned it’s been a struggle of late. Do you want to talk about it?”
Then let the person say no. If you’re going to make a conversation available, it must be ok to say no! If the person can’t say no without offending you or damaging your relationship, you’ve made a demand, not a request.
Make your holiday less stressful and more fun by telling the truth. If it goes badly, you can blame me. Be sure to call and tell me, so I can write about you next week. I’ll ask for your permission before I do it!
I didn’t know that MeetUp groups were created as response to September 11th. I received this message by the Founder of Meet Ups and thought you might find it interesting.
Fellow Meetuppers,
I don’t write to our whole community often, but this week is special because it’s the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and many people don’t know that Meetup is a 9/11 baby.
Let me tell you the Meetup story. I was living a couple miles from the Twin Towers, and I was the kind of person who thought local community doesn’t matter much if we’ve got the internet and tv. The only time I thought about my neighbors was when I hoped they wouldn’t bother me.
When the towers fell, I found myself talking to more neighbors in the days after 9/11 than ever before. People said hello to neighbors (next-door and across the city) who they’d normally ignore. People were looking after each other, helping each other, and meeting up with each other. You know, being neighborly.
A lot of people were thinking that maybe 9/11 could bring people together in a lasting way. So the idea for Meetup was born: Could we use the internet to get off the internet — and grow local communities?
We didn’t know if it would work. Most people thought it was a crazy idea — especially because terrorism is designed to make people distrust one another.
A small team came together, and we launched Meetup 9 months after 9/11.
Today, almost 10 years and 10 million Meetuppers later, it’s working. Every day, thousands of Meetups happen. Moms Meetups, Small Business Meetups, Fitness Meetups… a wild variety of 100,000 Meetup Groups with not much in common — except one thing.
Every Meetup starts with people simply saying hello to neighbors. And what often happens next is still amazing to me.
They grow businesses and bands together, they teach and motivate each other, they babysit each other’s kids and find other ways to work together. They have fun and find solace together. They make friends and form powerful community. It’s powerful stuff.
It’s a wonderful revolution in local community, and it’s thanks to everyone who shows up.
Meetups aren’t about 9/11, but they may not be happening if it weren’t for 9/11.
9/11 didn’t make us too scared to go outside or talk to strangers. 9/11 didn’t rip us apart. No, we’re building new community together!!!!
The towers fell, but we rise up. And we’re just getting started with these Meetups.
Scott Heiferman (on behalf of 80 people at Meetup HQ) Co-Founder & CEO, Meetup New York City September 2011
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