How to Get More Feedback – Eliminate Surprises

Who have you fired lately? The person who cuts your hair or lawn? A doctor, accountant, or restaurant where you had a bad experience? Did you call any of those providers and tell them why you were replacing them? My hunch is no. There’s little incentive to do so. Why risk their defensiveness? It’s easier to just replace them. And the same is true for you.

There’s little incentive for the people you work with to tell you when you frustrate them. The perceived cost seems too high. The people you work (and live) with have experienced others’ defensive responses to negative feedback (which is no fun) and they don’t want to experience your reaction. As a result, when you disappoint or frustrate others, it’s easier to say nothing than tell you the truth.

The tendency for others to tell you things are fine when they’re not, will prevent you from managing your career and relationships. People will go missing and you’ll be passed over for professional opportunities and never know why.

To make it more likely that people will tell you when you disappoint or frustrate them, make it easy to tell you the truth.

Here are seven practices for receiving feedback:

Receiving Feedback Practice #1: When you begin new relationships, tell people you want their feedback.

Receiving Feedback Practice #2: Promise that no matter what people say, you’ll respond with “thank you.” This is very hard to do.

Receiving Feedback Practice #3: Tell people you already have relationships with, that if you haven’t said it in the past, you really want their feedback and promise to respond graciously with “thank you.”

Receiving Feedback Practice #4: Ask people who matter to you for feedback regularly.

Receiving Feedback Practice #5: Resist the urge to get defensive.

Receiving Feedback Practice #6: Catch yourself when you start to become defensive and apologize. Say something like, “I’m getting defensive. I’m sorry. Tell me again. I’ll do a better job of listening.”

Receiving Feedback Practice #7: Take a break from conversations during which you find yourself responding defensively. Say something like, “I’m not responding as well as I’d like. How about we take a break? Give me a few minutes (hours or days) and I’ll come back to you to talk more. I really want to hear what you have to say.”

The aforementioned list provides recommendations for asking for and receiving feedback you want, not feedback you don’t. You are not a dumping ground. Don’t ask for feedback you don’t want. And when you do ask for feedback, qualify what type of feedback you’re looking for. Telling people “I want your feedback” doesn’t mean they’re welcome to say whatever they want.

The purpose of asking for feedback and making it safe to tell the truth is to give you more control over your career and relationships. It’s ok to be passed over for opportunities and relationships, but it’s unhelpful not to know why.

How to Ask For Feedback | Surround Yourself with People Who Will Tell You the Truth

The people in your life are not inclined to tell you the truth. In fact, they’ve been trained not to. Every time your friends, family, and coworkers told the truth (as they saw it) and the recipient responded defensively, their brains got trained –it’s not safe to tell the truth. So they stopped doing it.

Gossip damages relationships and tears families and organizations apart. But gossiping about the things that frustrate us feels easier and safer than talking to the offender directly when we anticipate resistance.

We have all watched our friends at work wear clothing that wasn’t the best choice, over speak in meetings, and make other career-limiting moves. And we said nothing. Because we felt it wasn’t our place to say something, or the input was not invited nor welcome.

If you want to be successful at work and for your career to grow, you need to surround yourself with people who will tell you the truth. These people don’t need to be your direct supervisor, the leaders in your organization, or your customers, although they may be. They can be your friends, family, and coworkers.

If you are consistently late, wear clothing that is not appropriate for work, or make commitments and then break them, your friends and family know that. Some people say they are a different person at work and at home. I don’t know that I buy that. We may exhibit different communication methods at work and at home, but our bad habits are the same.

The coworkers you sit near see and hear you work. They witness many of the good and not-so-good things you do at work that either help or damage your reputation. But they won’t tell you what those things are if you don’t ask. And even if you do ask, they still may not tell you. You have to ask for feedback and make it easy (safe) to give.

I recommend assembling what I call a Core Team of five or six people who will always tell you the truth. These are people who like and care about you. They are not the people you distrust and are struggling to work with. They may be current or past coworkers, friends from high school, college or today, and family members. These are the people who really know you and want you to be successful, and will thus tell you the truth –if you ask.

Here’s how to ask for feedback from the people in your life who care about you:

1. Pick a few people, using the criteria above, to be on your Core Team.

2. Tell them you want to get a better sense of the positive and not-so-positive things you do that may impact your reputation at work.

Here’s how you could ask for feedback:

“I am committed to my career and I want to eliminate any blind spots that may limit me. You know me well and watch me work.  I would really appreciate your feedback.  When you see me do anything that may limit my success, I give you permission to tell me.  And if you’d like, I’ll do the same for you. I promise that no matter what you say and how hard it is to hear, I will make it easy to give me feedback and I will say thank you.”

3. Ask for specific feedback.

Examples of questions you could ask:

• What is the first impression I make?
• What’s my reputation in the office?
• What do I do that makes me good to work with?
• What do I do that makes me challenging to work with?
• If I could change one thing that would make me more successful, what would it be?
• What strengths do I have that I should use more and leverage?

4. Promise that no matter what they tell you and how difficult it is to hear, you will say thank you.  And tell them you may come back to them with questions and to discuss further after you’ve processed what they said.

Saying thank you and nothing else, as you react to the feedback, which you will, makes it safe to give you feedback and more likely that you will receive feedback more than once.

There are more ways to ask for feedback and specific questions to ask in my new book, How to Say Anything to Anyone. And if you want the complete list of questions to manage your career and reputation, you can get them here.

Asking for feedback and saying thank you may sound difficult, and it can be. But it’s not as difficult as getting passed over for projects and jobs. You can do this!